What's the Worst That Could Happen?

On the first day of the New Year, I was excited to attend the closing night of the Broadway hit, Wicked. I had a brand new super cute holiday markdown dress on, a hot date, French-manicured Broadway nails pressed on tight and a new weave in tow! We were headed out for a fabulous evening of dinner and theatre – to be said out loud with a British accent, should you be reading this to your mum.

Besides the whole issue with no restaurants being open because it was a holiday causing our dinner to end up consisting of two hot pretzels and bottomless sodas for $15, we were still having a fabulous time. Who cares that I spilled mustard on the theatre’s carpet in front of my date and who cares that the guy behind us made the most interesting grunting sounds after every scene and may or may not have been passing gas every five minutes. That’s actually pretty typical if you ask me.

Prior to the show, I waited for the ladies room in what may have been longer than the Vortex line at Kings Island the day after senior prom in 1996. Unlike that line, we moved quickly. In and out – very impressive for a bunch of women in pantyhose. We neared the entry to the bathroom and the woman in front of me exclaimed as she peered through the door…

“OH NO, I AM NOT GETTING INTO THAT MESS!!”

She then stormed off and I’m positive 20 minutes into the show was regretting her decision. She had already done so much work! The finish line was right there! What on earth could have stopped her? I kept waiting and within moments had completed the task at hand. Full of relief, fresh clean hands and a show to be watched, I headed back to my seat and enjoyed one of the best BW shows I have ever seen.

Two days later I can’t stop thinking about that lady. Why did she give up? What had happened to her in previous bathroom lines that caused her so much grief?

My guess is that eventually she became quite miserable and had to wait in that treacherous line again. Only this time she was more uncomfortable, more agitated, and more impatient because her pain was much greater.

With the start of a new year everyone is thinking about resolutions – weight loss, quitting drinking and smoking, trying new things, get out of debt, etc. etc. I myself, will get back to the gym, work on selling awesome vintage clothes on Etsy.com and try not to be afraid.

Try not to be afraid? Yes, try not to be afraid, not give up due to fear, and embrace the unknown and more importantly, the known. Because this time – it might be different.

You see I believe fear is created only by what you’ve already been through. My guess is that bathroom lady had experienced long lines before and her fear stopped her from trying again. She knew that she would just have to wait more and it wasn’t worth it to her to endure such pain. I wish, that I had stopped her and said -

“Lady, what’s the worst that could happen if you keep waiting?”

She probably would have thought about it and her answer would be something like I might miss the show or my head might explode with negativity. If she had taken a moment to think about her decision and how it would affect her later she may have avoided an uncomfortable situation. Bad example? I don’t know, I’m not an expert. I just talk a lot.

Anyhow, my point is this. This year as you list out your goals and what you want to accomplish – don’t let the grumpy ol’ lady voice from the bathroom tarnish your vision. When you begin to doubt yourself or when others don’t support your goals, ask yourself ‘what is the worst that could happen if I keep trying?’ Then continually ask ‘what else?’. Chances are you’ll be surprised by how little there is to be afraid of. You’ve likely experienced these things before – failure, obstacles, setbacks, heartache, embarrassment, etc. And guess what, you’re reading this so I’m guessing you’re still kicking and you got through it with much more knowledge under your belt – let’s call it your emotional ass-kicking tool-belt which also contains memories of what success and accomplishments look and feel like.

That’s by far the cheesiest thing I’ve said all day. You can eat that cheese with some low-fat Triscuits.

SO… what’s your resolution for 2011 and how do you plan to stay motivated, silence the naysayers and accomplish great things?

Ain't No Cure for the Wintertime Blues

According to my mother, this bit of a wintertime blues I’m going through isn’t just reserved for princesses like myself. We are well into the third week of the New Year and I don’t exactly feel rejuvenated nor do I feel resolved.

I feel cold!

I feel hungry!

And just when I think I’m going to do something about my blues… I lose all motivation, stay in with Jack and watch idol. (Pants on the ground! Hilarious!)

I feel like some random pessimistic tiny person with oversized hands has set up camp in my noggin. This irritating little head invader is just straight up getting on my nerves. She’s bouncing around pulling at nerves and poking at brain mush and quite frankly, ticking me off.

It would just be nice if I could kick her out for a bit so I could go back to normal and feel excited about my days again! Instead, I’m dragging myself out of bed, going to work, going to the gym, eating and going to bed.

And now, hit repeat.

So as I was saying, my mom said this doesn’t just affect princesses like myself. Of course I wanted to argue this with her so I looked into it and apparently I’m not the only one! That crappy little head invader is all over the place and is spreading a little something called SAD or Seasonal Affective Disorder. Or just call it what it is – Winter Depression. The typical symptoms include:

•    Difficulty waking up in the morning
•    Tendency to oversleep as well as to overeat, and especially a craving for carbohydrates, which leads to weight gain
•    Lack of energy
•    Difficulty concentrating on completing tasks
•    Withdrawal from friends, family, and social activities

And get this, just another reason guys have it soo easy – 70-80% of those with SAD are women! We get periods, we have babies, we get paid less AND we get SAD.

As this is an advice column, I suppose some advice on treatment would be nice… Well, I’m no doctor but I do have the Internet. Here goes… if you are experiencing a bit of the blues the Internet suggests:

Light therapy (like, with light-bulbs), ionized-air administration, medication, cognitive-behavioral therapy and carefully timed supplementation of the hormone melatonin.

That’s what the educated people say, but I think that sounds like too much work and a bit too serious. I suggest the following:

•    Go to the tanning bed – just once though! And cover your face – you don’t want to get wrinkles!
•    Chips, salsa and margaritas at La Hacienda! Pretend you’re in Mexico and it’s warm outside too.
•    Tis the season for jewelry parties – apparently this is big for January and a great way to reconnect with your lady friends and shop!
•    Home projects! Everything on earth is on clearance right now… it’s a great time to redecorate a room or even just clean your room.
•    Put in some good workouts. This will increase your endorphins and make you happy. Plus afterwards you should sit in the steam and remember what it’s like to be hot.
•    Find a good cuddle buddy. There’s nothing wrong with a little winter rendezvous.
•    And finally, celebrate my birthday! You don’t even have to come to the party. I just suggest having celebrations all of next week in honor of it.

That’s all I have to suggest! What do YOU do get through the wintertime blues?

A Question. Or a Statement.

I awoke this morning in a lovely hotel room at 4am. I had a throbbing headache and was dying of thirst. So thirsty that I made the ultimate in rash decisions and opened the six-dollar bottle of water on my dresser and chugged the whole thing. At the time, six dollars didn’t seem like much to pay to save my life.

Why so thirsty you ask? Why the headache you wonder? Why the urge to spend six dollars on a bottle of water dear Jill?

It seems that I have developed a bit of a hobby over the years that causes me to have what I believe to be near death experiences — or at least, for that moment in time, I feel like death.

I don’t intend to inflict pain upon myself, nor would I like to die or even feel like it. So what kind of person would choose a hobby that continually causes the same results?

The kind, my friend, who enjoys a good drink (or four) at a time.

I really do like to drink. I really enjoy the taste of wine, beers and most clear alcohols. I don’t mind if I’m doing it alone or with company and I rather enjoy how a frosty mug of beer lightens everyone’s mood.

I like when people’s thoughts become a little loose and flow right out of the mouth without the hesitation. I love listening to comments of those who have turned off the filter of sobriety. Sadly, I believe most things and/or people become more interesting or better looking after one or two or six cocktails.

I mean, who cares if the occasional alcohol drenched evening causes your friends to knock over your neighbors flower-pots because they thought it was your house. Big deal if you ate a burrito from a place you wouldn’t step two inches into sober. I love sleeping in my makeup, dress and heels. I can just pop out of bed and take on the day already dressed and ready to go! And of course I enjoyed grinding with K-feds long lost twin brother at the Mindshaft. He is going to be famous. He said so.

You know, I feel like these things happen all the time.

My hobby is not something that I plan on giving up. Why would you quit something you liked? It’s hard to find a good, easily accessible hobby these days. People are very BUSY. I mean, I have a dog AND a job. When on earth would I find time to do something meaningful with my life?

With all of this said, I am positive that everyone at some point asks themselves if there appears to be a problem. I myself asked this very important question after downing the most expensive bottle of water on earth.

There are so many sources out there for recognizing the signs of alcoholism. This seemed like a very high level and uh, vague view of what those experts might say.  If you want a really good ‘real’ list of alcoholism signs check out this link: http://www.indyaa.org/general/twelve_questions.htm

5 Signs of Alcoholism

Neglect of duties: An alcoholic will continue to neglect other duties or activities.  Things that used to be important to the person will now take a back seat to their opportunity to drink. Like say, in college when you got so wasted the night before Thanksgiving that you didn’t show up until Friday.

Lying: Whether an alcoholic will admit it or not, they will know their drinking is causing problems, and often an alcoholic will begin lying to cover up their drinking.  “No officer I only had two beers. Two delicious Colt 45s”

Lawbreaking: Usually, someone who drinks a lot will start to do dumb things, including getting in trouble with the law. Drinking and driving is not even funny. I refuse to make a joke. You know what IS funny though? Drunken chick fights. That’s what.

Depression: Because alcohol is a depressant, and because an alcoholic feels bad for the hurt they are causing their family, depression is often a problem with alcoholism. OR this is how you feel when you drink too much beer and your favorite skinny jeans no longer fit.

Tolerance: An alcoholic builds up tolerance to alcohol over time, making it necessary for them to drink more and more before getting drunk.  This is totally a wallet drainer. Why would anyone EVER want a high tolerance?

In all seriousness, our social scene is quite conducive to drinking and I think it is OK to have one or two and have a good time. My old boss used to say – 80% of all questions are actually statements. If you’re asking yourself “Do I have a problem?” – you’re very smart and I’m sure you can figure it out on your own – Is it a question or is it a statement?

What happened that made you ask yourself this very question? It’s always nice to know that others have the same struggles- nobody wants to feel alone. AND I’m totally convinced that all the hot guys are hanging at AA these days. Maybe it’s worth a visit? http://www.indyaa.org/.

ISO Roommate

Four months into my 30s, I received a phone call from my step-dad. Apparently, we have a family friend I’ve never known about.

And apparently, said friend comes from a really nice family and just needs a furnished room for the summer. Said friend is interning in Indianapolis and said friend is a really nice guy and comes from a really nice family. Yeah, I said it twice.

I’ve lived alone for years and have got to say, it has some amazing benefits. If someone killed all of your Pepto Bismol and suddenly you’re dying of indigestion from a days worth of cookouts and brew and the whole bottle is empty; the only finger you can point is at yourself. Damn it Jill! You drank all the pink magic potion. The trash didn’t get taken out? Ooops, my bad. I hope I don’t get mad at me for slacking.

Does anyone else think that Pepto Bismol tastes really good?

There are other true pleasures of single dwelling. A Saturday morning with your self to drink coffee, read US Weekly and watch infomercials without judgment or interruption is delightful. Wandering naked throughout the house without fear of a wobbly bits sighting is also quite nice. No one frowns upon you when your dog poops on the floor. Sometimes Jack can’t wait to go! I don’t want to explain my poor pet parenting to anyone.

Especially to said friend.

I am quite nice when I want to be and so when asked if said friend could stay here I of course obliged and was very happy to help with his move in and making him comfortable. I even emptied my second bedroom, which is actually used as my closet for said friend! Said friend doesn’t have a car so I drove him around quite a bit; to the grocery, to Bloomington, to the airport, to karate or whatever it is he does. I offered smoothies. I offered fans. I offered to be a friend.

Said friend offered to not lift a finger or leave the house all summer and complain at every opportunity of the chump change he’s paying to live in downtown Indianapolis in a furnished condo five seconds from Mass Ave.

As we all know, I like to rant and I could go into all the dirty details…

But I won’t because the purpose of You Don’t Know Jack is to provide my fellow young professional peers with important information and advice so you don’t make the same stupid mistakes I do every day.

If you decide to have a roommate or move in with a friend or significant other here are some good pointers to keep in mind before taking the plunge. I borrowed all these pointers from the internet – sometimes those internet people have a way with words that I don’t.HTTP://WWW.WIKIHOW.COM/BE-A-GOOD-ROOMMATE.

Find a good roommate. It can be tempting to select a roommate on the basis of how friendly they are, but you’re better off judging them on the basis of day to day living compatibility. Compare their daily habits to yours.

Be upfront about your expectations. Set boundaries and stick with them. This applies to food, clothes, possessions, loud activities, use of common areas, parties, quiet hours, cleaning responsibilities, and so on.

Respect each other’s privacy and personal space. This is especially important if you share a small living area. Make a clear delineation between your stuff and your roommate’s stuff. That way you are only responsible for your things. You must always ask before “borrowing” anything, no matter if it’s trivial. Definitely take good care of any borrowed items.

Clean up after yourself. This doesn’t mean that you have to be a neat freak, but don’t leave your dirty dishes in the sink for days on end, dump your things in the living room, or leave mountains of laundry all over the bedroom, especially if you share it with your roommate. Try to agree on a minimum standard of cleanliness that you’ll all abide by.

Be courteous of your roommate’s sleeping habits. If you are a night owl, keep your noise down and turn the lights down after your roommate goes to bed so you don’t disturb them. If you go to bed early, don’t get exasperated with your roommate for their late hours, but at the same time try to find ways that you can sleep undisturbed. The same thing applies for rising in the morning.

Spend time with your roommate. Say hello and goodbye, ask them how their day was, and show interest in his or her life. Getting to know the person you live with helps you understand their perspective, and allows them to understand yours. It also makes it easier to deal with problems that you have with that person if you’ve already established a rapport with them. Try to set a time in which you both can hang out at least once a week. Make dinner together, watch a movie, etc. Do something nice for your roommate every so often–make their bed, bake them cookies, or offer to give them a ride somewhere if they don’t have a car.

Communicate. As in any relationship, living with someone requires a great deal of work. Communication is key in making the relationship work well long-term, or even for a short time. If a problem comes up, it’s better to talk about it right away than to try and ignore it and let it get worse. If you simply cannot communicate openly and there is tension all the time. Find a new roommate. The stress is just not worth it. You may be better friends if you choose to live separate.

Share. Or decide what you will share. Decide what contents in the fridge are ok and which are off limits. Determine whether or not a common phone line will be sufficient if one person spends a lot of time on the phone. If you borrow something, let your roommate know and (if necessary) try to replace it.

Divide responsibilities. If your roommate is a good cook and you are not, have him cook and you do the dishes. It may also be a good idea to set up a chores schedule, where you will take turns alternating cleaning the bathroom, taking out the trash, etc.

I’ll be sure to review this list prior to opening my doors to anymore said family friends in the future.

Indecent Exposure

It’s as though I attract crazy people. It’s amazing to me how many times in a week, I think to myself… “did that really just happen?”

So my best friend Piper calls me at the most inconvenient times. Pretty much every day of my life- god love her. She is in California, so for her, it’s good timing… for me, not so much. It’s either 11am, when I’m knee deep in work or 10pm, when I’ve decided that I will not be conversing with anyone but Jack until the following morning.

Yet- she’s my best girl. So on most days unless I’m in the middle of something earth shattering (I hate that saying btw), I will answer… because who knows, something could be really important this time. Maybe she isn’t just killing time on her drive to work in LA traffic. Maybe it really is OVER (again) with her near-do-well boyfriend and she needs me to tell her that he is, in fact, an idiot and of course he deserves the silent treatment for at least three days for mentioning the word ‘boobs’ – and he was not referring to hers.

I always answer it when I can because I know that she will be there to answer it when I need her to. Duh.

So at exactly 11:00am today, like clockwork this morning Piper rings me… I consider not getting it for a minute when I realize I’m not doing anything that I can’t do while chatting so I pick up. It is absolutely amazing how quickly our conversation turned to how much our dogs weigh now and whether or not we think I could sneak Jack on the plane for our upcoming rendezvous in Santa Barbara.

So I step out. My colleagues don’t want to hear that Jacked gained 2 lbs and definitely will no longer fit under my seat.

I go to the bathroom for privacy because last time I tried for privacy in our stairwell I ended up locking myself in and having to call a co-worker to let me out- real cool. Well, definitely cooler than trucking down 15 flights of stairs. Nonetheless I learned my lesson.

At first when I get to the bathroom, I’m alone. I’m not even using the bathroom- just in a stall. A couple of completely loud, babbling women come in and I think to myself how incredibly annoying they are. I can’t even hear Piper over their cackles! Then I remember where I am – and all is fair – there are no rules – we do what we want – in the women’s restroom.

Apparently not.

Immediately, I hear someone say…

“Can you PLEASE get off your cell phone.”

Are they talking to me? I’d barely said a word and I wondered how anyone would even hear me over them. Anyhow, I just tell Piper to hold on. I check myself out in the mirror (of course), a gal my age comes out and I smile at her and leave.

Minutes later I hear a knock at our office door. I look up to see a woman through the glass and think nothing of it and go back to my business… a co-worker lets her in and I turn around to see her waving at me saying “don’t worry you’re not in trouble.”

Wha?

She’s a little older, short brunette hair, grasping a Styrofoam cup of coffee and approaching me in a most peculiar way. She reminds me of a gossipy mom from high school. Like she’s about to share something ‘really juicy’ and once it pours out of her mouth, you think wow- this woman is bored.

I still don’t know who she is.

“I just wanted to apologize to you if you heard me in the bathroom tell you to get off your cell.”

Seriously?

“My friend said I was really ballsy to say that…”

Seriously?

“You see, I’m fifty years old and I just don’t like people on the phone because what if I had to, you know… let one go or ‘make noises’… and the person on the line hears that…”

No way.

She goes on to actually make faux noises of ‘air’ and continues to try to convince me of her ‘stance’ on why she said it.

Insert wide-eyed, shocked looking Jill here.

“I have three kids… yada yada… and I would always get off the phone if I came into a bathroom and there were other people there. I’m totally addicted to my phone too…. Yada yada”

Is she insinuating that I am addicted to my phone? Whatever.

“I don’t even know if you heard me, but you know… I just think that you shouldn’t do that in case other people are making bathroom noises….”

Please remember- I work in a wide-open space with 10 different people within 50 ft of me. I keep telling her with my eyes and hands to keep it down.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but her interruption of our office flow to pop by and explain her reasoning for asking me to get off the phone, you know – the loud the ‘sounds’ that could be made in the bathroom – to me and my office of 10 people should have embarrassed her twenty times more than those sounds actually happening behind closed doors in the bathroom.

However, it did not seem they did.

I sat in shock, and in typical Jill fashion- never gave her the satisfaction of saying anything that would make her feel better about her visit – by saying nothing at all. I assume she had a burst of ‘balls’ to say what she was thinking to someone she could not see. Obviously she thought that other people would empathize with her situation. First, her co-worker, who did not, and next, the stranger in the stall. And perhaps she wanted my co-workers to hear and understand?

Something tells me she never got her validation.

With that, I just stared at her like , OK- anything else? She says – ‘well, you probably didn’t even hear me.”

“Yes. I heard you. I just didn’t feel like it was your business to say anything.”

With this, she said “actually, it is my business….” after which all I hear is Charlie Brown’s teacher… I turn my back to her and she left. Pride in hand, I’m sure. Wait, that’s just coffee.

So, Ok- maybe I shouldn’t have been on the phone. I’ll admit just that. It’s kinda weird to chat in a stall, but it never bothers me when other people do it! I just don’t have time or energy to waste telling other people what to do. Well, I’ll give my opinion, but that is not telling people what to do, is it?

I only have one “no no” on my list this time. And one reaction.

1)    Please don’t talk on the phone on the bathroom stall.

Well – maybe YOU shouldn’t talk to your friend because I could have gotten stage fright and been blocked up for days! (not that that has ever happened)

Meltin' It Off With Mitch

I’ve always kind of been one of those lucky chicks. You know, the ones who could eat anything and never gain weight. I’ve lived off Taco Bell since I was six years old and my mouth waters at the sight, the scent, even the thought of french fries. I love them all and all for different reasons. McDonalds has cracked the code on fulfilling my monthly cravings, so hot and salty. You know, like a good man. Wendy’s taste heavenly when you dip them in a frosty… also, like a good man. Steak n’ shake dipped in “cheese” if that’s what you call it, waffle fries from Chick Filet just speak for themselves – so good you can’t eat them on Sunday because that day should be reserved for the lord, not fries.

So, I was that chick who ate anything and everything and I have weighed the same since highschool. In fact, until about 6 months ago I could still squeeze myself into my favorite vintage Levi’s I bought when I was 14 from BR Vintage and Kurt Cobain ruled the world. Anyhow, I hope you don’t think I’m bragging, believe me I’m not. Just setting the scene people.

And son of a bitch, it happened again! I turned 29 and I get another smack in the face. Not only did I get tagged with a bunch of unfortunate photos of myself on Facebook this year, I got tagged with ten extra pounds.

The good news is there’s more of me to virtually poke. Bah dum bump (that was me attempting a joke, a terribly bad joke).

Today I = 29 yrs young+ 10lbs + job where they stock the kitchen like Little Boy is about to be dropped and many more reasons to grab drinks and be social than – uh do something about it. (Thanks IndyHub). I suddenly have a strong understanding of the ‘wobbly bits’ Bridget Jones mentioned a time or two and I don’t like it one bit.

I recognized this problem like 2 months ago. Which is why on a Saturday morning some time ago when I could have been working out, I instead chose to drink coffee, eat scones and watch infomercials. Good thing I did! Phew! I discovered ‘Melt if off with Mitch!’. Mitch Gaylord, that is. Not that dude from Indy who doesn’t do the government thing anymore but still has bumper stickers all over the place to prove – he’s the man. Lucky.

Mitch Gaylord, who I guess was in the Olympics, sucked me in and now I am the proud owner of a 2-pound medicine ball, a tape measure, a meal list and a DVD. And Mitch promised me I would lose one size in 3 days!

This week it’s on like D.K. Kong. I bought all of the food yesterday. Sadly, it was not cheap. Oh well, love don’t cost a thing, a tight bootie does.

And, drum roll please, today, I completed day one! I ate all my meals and did the exercises in my living room. Meanwhile, Jack decided I tasted like McDonald’s fries and wanted to lick me non-stop on my feet, ankles, forehead blah blah blah while I was trying to shake my medicine ball.

1 day down- 2 to go. I’ll let you know how it goes. How about for our top ten list let’s list common excuses we make to ourselves to not workout… Ok! I’ll go first.

1)    I need to let Jack out. And it turns out he didn’t really want to go on a walk, but rather preferred to watch Kendra and had a random craving for pizza. If you saw his cute lil’ face, you would never want to tell him no.
2)    I forgot my shoes… again.
3)    It’s Wednesday. Don’t you know it’s five-dollar pitcher night at Scotties?
4)    It’s Thursday. Don’t you know it’s half price martinis at Scholars?
5)    It’s Friday.
6)    I think instead of buying dinner, I’ll buy a new pair of shoes. Skipping a meal is certainly dedication to a better body if you ask me.
7)    I parked really far out there in the lot today at Target. Does that count as cardio?
8)    Ordering off the fresco menu at Taco Bell totally cancels out spinning class.
9)    I’ll just have some sex instead. Oh wait… how much does it really take to burn a few calories? Ouch.
10)    Bally’s closed their doors last month. And old school, down and dirrrrty is the only way to go if you are truly a hardcore health nut. Anybody know where I can find a Gold’s?

Let’s make a toast to no excuses this week. No toasting with alcohol though, just use one of the 8, 8oz. glasses of water Mitch suggests you drink each day.

I Dumped Myself on Valentine's Day

The guy next to me is reading playboy on US Airways flight 3032 from Washington DC to Indianapolis. The driver of a pretty nice shiny black town
car doused himself in what I imagine Sex Panther smells like prior to driving
me to the airport. I dumped myself on Valentine’s Day.

I’m not quite sure what irony really means, so I’ll look it up. Synonyms:

•    Satire
•    Paradox
•    Sarcasm
•    Mockery
•    Insincerity

Interesting, I had no idea what irony really meant until just now. I think I thought it meant something more like a coincidence.

Well then, I guess it’s not ironic that the guy is reading playboy on an airplane or that the driver smelled like 10 gallons of Brut. Who reads Playboy on an airplane?

And I guess it’s not ironic that I had to dump myself on Valentine’s Day either.

I’m recently the owner of a broken heart. It’s not like, mega-broken, it’s more like someone flicked it really hard with a rubber band. So it only hurt for a second. The nagging ache is now in my head full of questions.

I met a lad who from the instant I met him told me how amazing I was. Beautiful, smart, incredible, amazing. He wanted to see me immediately after leaving my side. He suggested my tickets to come and see him be one way. He wanted to wake up next me. Liked it when I called in the morning while he was still sleeping so he could hear my voice. Wanted me to walk right next to him because we were ‘together’. Loved my bluntness. Nothing I shared about me or my past or my future scared him. The only thing he was scared of was the emotions he had for me. He sent me flowers. He sent me pictures. He gave me gifts. He took me on trips. He texted all day, emailed and called. Couldn’t wait to see me again. Miss ya!

Yada, yada, barf.

What’s a girl to do? Of course she would think she finally met someone who loves her ‘exactly the way she is.’ (Thanks a lot Bridget). I fell right on in, heart first, of course.

Then just as quickly as this new beautiful world unveiled itself to me, it disappeared. No more sweet texts, no more calls to say good night, no more talks of our tropical vacation, no more need to stand by me.

So of course one asks, what happened? What gives? What did I do? Apparently nothing. I’m amazing. (duh).

I’m a gal who never just dives in. I’m cautious. I don’t open up easily. I’ve had my heart flicked several times before. There is no way that that I did this. There is no way that I pushed for something that the other party clearly didn’t want. It’s just not my bag. If someone isn’t showing enough interest, my advice is to RUN.

I’m not meaning to sound like a woman scorned. I’m not. I’m rather entertained and in awe of the ways that people choose to end things. Men and women, we all go about it in our own way. Sadly, most people just don’t know how to break up these days.

I’ve decided that I’m probably not the only one who has had to endure some lame breakup. So, I’ve asked friends to share their stories of crushed love in hopes that the next time you want to break it off with someone, you follow the top ten ways NOT to do it. Here are some surefire ways shared by our peers to end things the wrong way:

1.    “I’m not feeling it”, which was needless to say since the girl I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with was going to Cancun with her new boyfriend two weeks after we broke up so…
2.    My boyfriend dumped me before an already paid trip to Hawaii.
3.    When I found two cruise tickets at his house with another girls name on the ticket… no words were needed.
4.    Over email. He lived in Chicago and I lived in Nashville. I was supposed to fly to Chicago that weekend for Memorial Day and he emailed me to tell me that I shouldn’t waste my money.
5.    After 3 months of dating, he asked me to be exclusive. The next month, he said, “I’ve changed my mind, but I’d still like to see you.”
6.    I saw my boyfriend take a girl to the back seat of his car and watched him “make love” to her. I have him to thank because I am happy where I am at today and wouldn’t be here if that didn’t happen.
7.    The ‘silent treatment technique’. No returned calls, no explanation. That’s like a no call, no show. Definite grounds for firing.
8.    Freshman year of college my girlfriend broke up with me via email right before a class. For 45 minutes I had to watch my Sociology of Religion professor do a Wicken knife ceremony while planning what I would say to her after class.
9.    An ex-girlfriend was hooking up with one of my best friends and was presumed to stripping at a club.
10.    The guy appeared to adore me, and then just stopped calling. I’m like what’s up? He’s like, “I’m not ready.” I’m like ok, “so you’re just not going to call?” Apparently, he didn’t want to lose me because he thought some day he would be ready. I love that he thought he’d just not call until then. So he wasn’t going to dump me. I had to do it for him… on Valentine’s Day.

So, the lesson for all of you who are looking from advice from Jack and me is that there is no good time to break up with someone, but there is a good way. Just be honest. You might get called names or have to deal with a crying, angry, crazy person for a short period of time, but I do believe they’ll appreciate your honesty in the long run.

Plus you won’t get articles written about how stupid you are posted on the Internet for all the world to see.

Please do tell, how would you have preferred NOT to be dumped? Commiserate. It’s cool. We’ve all been there.