ISO Roommate

Four months into my 30s, I received a phone call from my step-dad. Apparently, we have a family friend I’ve never known about.

And apparently, said friend comes from a really nice family and just needs a furnished room for the summer. Said friend is interning in Indianapolis and said friend is a really nice guy and comes from a really nice family. Yeah, I said it twice.

I’ve lived alone for years and have got to say, it has some amazing benefits. If someone killed all of your Pepto Bismol and suddenly you’re dying of indigestion from a days worth of cookouts and brew and the whole bottle is empty; the only finger you can point is at yourself. Damn it Jill! You drank all the pink magic potion. The trash didn’t get taken out? Ooops, my bad. I hope I don’t get mad at me for slacking.

Does anyone else think that Pepto Bismol tastes really good?

There are other true pleasures of single dwelling. A Saturday morning with your self to drink coffee, read US Weekly and watch infomercials without judgment or interruption is delightful. Wandering naked throughout the house without fear of a wobbly bits sighting is also quite nice. No one frowns upon you when your dog poops on the floor. Sometimes Jack can’t wait to go! I don’t want to explain my poor pet parenting to anyone.

Especially to said friend.

I am quite nice when I want to be and so when asked if said friend could stay here I of course obliged and was very happy to help with his move in and making him comfortable. I even emptied my second bedroom, which is actually used as my closet for said friend! Said friend doesn’t have a car so I drove him around quite a bit; to the grocery, to Bloomington, to the airport, to karate or whatever it is he does. I offered smoothies. I offered fans. I offered to be a friend.

Said friend offered to not lift a finger or leave the house all summer and complain at every opportunity of the chump change he’s paying to live in downtown Indianapolis in a furnished condo five seconds from Mass Ave.

As we all know, I like to rant and I could go into all the dirty details…

But I won’t because the purpose of You Don’t Know Jack is to provide my fellow young professional peers with important information and advice so you don’t make the same stupid mistakes I do every day.

If you decide to have a roommate or move in with a friend or significant other here are some good pointers to keep in mind before taking the plunge. I borrowed all these pointers from the internet – sometimes those internet people have a way with words that I don’t.HTTP://WWW.WIKIHOW.COM/BE-A-GOOD-ROOMMATE.

Find a good roommate. It can be tempting to select a roommate on the basis of how friendly they are, but you’re better off judging them on the basis of day to day living compatibility. Compare their daily habits to yours.

Be upfront about your expectations. Set boundaries and stick with them. This applies to food, clothes, possessions, loud activities, use of common areas, parties, quiet hours, cleaning responsibilities, and so on.

Respect each other’s privacy and personal space. This is especially important if you share a small living area. Make a clear delineation between your stuff and your roommate’s stuff. That way you are only responsible for your things. You must always ask before “borrowing” anything, no matter if it’s trivial. Definitely take good care of any borrowed items.

Clean up after yourself. This doesn’t mean that you have to be a neat freak, but don’t leave your dirty dishes in the sink for days on end, dump your things in the living room, or leave mountains of laundry all over the bedroom, especially if you share it with your roommate. Try to agree on a minimum standard of cleanliness that you’ll all abide by.

Be courteous of your roommate’s sleeping habits. If you are a night owl, keep your noise down and turn the lights down after your roommate goes to bed so you don’t disturb them. If you go to bed early, don’t get exasperated with your roommate for their late hours, but at the same time try to find ways that you can sleep undisturbed. The same thing applies for rising in the morning.

Spend time with your roommate. Say hello and goodbye, ask them how their day was, and show interest in his or her life. Getting to know the person you live with helps you understand their perspective, and allows them to understand yours. It also makes it easier to deal with problems that you have with that person if you’ve already established a rapport with them. Try to set a time in which you both can hang out at least once a week. Make dinner together, watch a movie, etc. Do something nice for your roommate every so often–make their bed, bake them cookies, or offer to give them a ride somewhere if they don’t have a car.

Communicate. As in any relationship, living with someone requires a great deal of work. Communication is key in making the relationship work well long-term, or even for a short time. If a problem comes up, it’s better to talk about it right away than to try and ignore it and let it get worse. If you simply cannot communicate openly and there is tension all the time. Find a new roommate. The stress is just not worth it. You may be better friends if you choose to live separate.

Share. Or decide what you will share. Decide what contents in the fridge are ok and which are off limits. Determine whether or not a common phone line will be sufficient if one person spends a lot of time on the phone. If you borrow something, let your roommate know and (if necessary) try to replace it.

Divide responsibilities. If your roommate is a good cook and you are not, have him cook and you do the dishes. It may also be a good idea to set up a chores schedule, where you will take turns alternating cleaning the bathroom, taking out the trash, etc.

I’ll be sure to review this list prior to opening my doors to anymore said family friends in the future.

Indecent Exposure

It’s as though I attract crazy people. It’s amazing to me how many times in a week, I think to myself… “did that really just happen?”

So my best friend Piper calls me at the most inconvenient times. Pretty much every day of my life- god love her. She is in California, so for her, it’s good timing… for me, not so much. It’s either 11am, when I’m knee deep in work or 10pm, when I’ve decided that I will not be conversing with anyone but Jack until the following morning.

Yet- she’s my best girl. So on most days unless I’m in the middle of something earth shattering (I hate that saying btw), I will answer… because who knows, something could be really important this time. Maybe she isn’t just killing time on her drive to work in LA traffic. Maybe it really is OVER (again) with her near-do-well boyfriend and she needs me to tell her that he is, in fact, an idiot and of course he deserves the silent treatment for at least three days for mentioning the word ‘boobs’ – and he was not referring to hers.

I always answer it when I can because I know that she will be there to answer it when I need her to. Duh.

So at exactly 11:00am today, like clockwork this morning Piper rings me… I consider not getting it for a minute when I realize I’m not doing anything that I can’t do while chatting so I pick up. It is absolutely amazing how quickly our conversation turned to how much our dogs weigh now and whether or not we think I could sneak Jack on the plane for our upcoming rendezvous in Santa Barbara.

So I step out. My colleagues don’t want to hear that Jacked gained 2 lbs and definitely will no longer fit under my seat.

I go to the bathroom for privacy because last time I tried for privacy in our stairwell I ended up locking myself in and having to call a co-worker to let me out- real cool. Well, definitely cooler than trucking down 15 flights of stairs. Nonetheless I learned my lesson.

At first when I get to the bathroom, I’m alone. I’m not even using the bathroom- just in a stall. A couple of completely loud, babbling women come in and I think to myself how incredibly annoying they are. I can’t even hear Piper over their cackles! Then I remember where I am – and all is fair – there are no rules – we do what we want – in the women’s restroom.

Apparently not.

Immediately, I hear someone say…

“Can you PLEASE get off your cell phone.”

Are they talking to me? I’d barely said a word and I wondered how anyone would even hear me over them. Anyhow, I just tell Piper to hold on. I check myself out in the mirror (of course), a gal my age comes out and I smile at her and leave.

Minutes later I hear a knock at our office door. I look up to see a woman through the glass and think nothing of it and go back to my business… a co-worker lets her in and I turn around to see her waving at me saying “don’t worry you’re not in trouble.”

Wha?

She’s a little older, short brunette hair, grasping a Styrofoam cup of coffee and approaching me in a most peculiar way. She reminds me of a gossipy mom from high school. Like she’s about to share something ‘really juicy’ and once it pours out of her mouth, you think wow- this woman is bored.

I still don’t know who she is.

“I just wanted to apologize to you if you heard me in the bathroom tell you to get off your cell.”

Seriously?

“My friend said I was really ballsy to say that…”

Seriously?

“You see, I’m fifty years old and I just don’t like people on the phone because what if I had to, you know… let one go or ‘make noises’… and the person on the line hears that…”

No way.

She goes on to actually make faux noises of ‘air’ and continues to try to convince me of her ‘stance’ on why she said it.

Insert wide-eyed, shocked looking Jill here.

“I have three kids… yada yada… and I would always get off the phone if I came into a bathroom and there were other people there. I’m totally addicted to my phone too…. Yada yada”

Is she insinuating that I am addicted to my phone? Whatever.

“I don’t even know if you heard me, but you know… I just think that you shouldn’t do that in case other people are making bathroom noises….”

Please remember- I work in a wide-open space with 10 different people within 50 ft of me. I keep telling her with my eyes and hands to keep it down.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but her interruption of our office flow to pop by and explain her reasoning for asking me to get off the phone, you know – the loud the ‘sounds’ that could be made in the bathroom – to me and my office of 10 people should have embarrassed her twenty times more than those sounds actually happening behind closed doors in the bathroom.

However, it did not seem they did.

I sat in shock, and in typical Jill fashion- never gave her the satisfaction of saying anything that would make her feel better about her visit – by saying nothing at all. I assume she had a burst of ‘balls’ to say what she was thinking to someone she could not see. Obviously she thought that other people would empathize with her situation. First, her co-worker, who did not, and next, the stranger in the stall. And perhaps she wanted my co-workers to hear and understand?

Something tells me she never got her validation.

With that, I just stared at her like , OK- anything else? She says – ‘well, you probably didn’t even hear me.”

“Yes. I heard you. I just didn’t feel like it was your business to say anything.”

With this, she said “actually, it is my business….” after which all I hear is Charlie Brown’s teacher… I turn my back to her and she left. Pride in hand, I’m sure. Wait, that’s just coffee.

So, Ok- maybe I shouldn’t have been on the phone. I’ll admit just that. It’s kinda weird to chat in a stall, but it never bothers me when other people do it! I just don’t have time or energy to waste telling other people what to do. Well, I’ll give my opinion, but that is not telling people what to do, is it?

I only have one “no no” on my list this time. And one reaction.

1)    Please don’t talk on the phone on the bathroom stall.

Well – maybe YOU shouldn’t talk to your friend because I could have gotten stage fright and been blocked up for days! (not that that has ever happened)