I Dumped Myself on Valentine's Day

The guy next to me is reading playboy on US Airways flight 3032 from Washington DC to Indianapolis. The driver of a pretty nice shiny black town
car doused himself in what I imagine Sex Panther smells like prior to driving
me to the airport. I dumped myself on Valentine’s Day.

I’m not quite sure what irony really means, so I’ll look it up. Synonyms:

•    Satire
•    Paradox
•    Sarcasm
•    Mockery
•    Insincerity

Interesting, I had no idea what irony really meant until just now. I think I thought it meant something more like a coincidence.

Well then, I guess it’s not ironic that the guy is reading playboy on an airplane or that the driver smelled like 10 gallons of Brut. Who reads Playboy on an airplane?

And I guess it’s not ironic that I had to dump myself on Valentine’s Day either.

I’m recently the owner of a broken heart. It’s not like, mega-broken, it’s more like someone flicked it really hard with a rubber band. So it only hurt for a second. The nagging ache is now in my head full of questions.

I met a lad who from the instant I met him told me how amazing I was. Beautiful, smart, incredible, amazing. He wanted to see me immediately after leaving my side. He suggested my tickets to come and see him be one way. He wanted to wake up next me. Liked it when I called in the morning while he was still sleeping so he could hear my voice. Wanted me to walk right next to him because we were ‘together’. Loved my bluntness. Nothing I shared about me or my past or my future scared him. The only thing he was scared of was the emotions he had for me. He sent me flowers. He sent me pictures. He gave me gifts. He took me on trips. He texted all day, emailed and called. Couldn’t wait to see me again. Miss ya!

Yada, yada, barf.

What’s a girl to do? Of course she would think she finally met someone who loves her ‘exactly the way she is.’ (Thanks a lot Bridget). I fell right on in, heart first, of course.

Then just as quickly as this new beautiful world unveiled itself to me, it disappeared. No more sweet texts, no more calls to say good night, no more talks of our tropical vacation, no more need to stand by me.

So of course one asks, what happened? What gives? What did I do? Apparently nothing. I’m amazing. (duh).

I’m a gal who never just dives in. I’m cautious. I don’t open up easily. I’ve had my heart flicked several times before. There is no way that that I did this. There is no way that I pushed for something that the other party clearly didn’t want. It’s just not my bag. If someone isn’t showing enough interest, my advice is to RUN.

I’m not meaning to sound like a woman scorned. I’m not. I’m rather entertained and in awe of the ways that people choose to end things. Men and women, we all go about it in our own way. Sadly, most people just don’t know how to break up these days.

I’ve decided that I’m probably not the only one who has had to endure some lame breakup. So, I’ve asked friends to share their stories of crushed love in hopes that the next time you want to break it off with someone, you follow the top ten ways NOT to do it. Here are some surefire ways shared by our peers to end things the wrong way:

1.    “I’m not feeling it”, which was needless to say since the girl I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with was going to Cancun with her new boyfriend two weeks after we broke up so…
2.    My boyfriend dumped me before an already paid trip to Hawaii.
3.    When I found two cruise tickets at his house with another girls name on the ticket… no words were needed.
4.    Over email. He lived in Chicago and I lived in Nashville. I was supposed to fly to Chicago that weekend for Memorial Day and he emailed me to tell me that I shouldn’t waste my money.
5.    After 3 months of dating, he asked me to be exclusive. The next month, he said, “I’ve changed my mind, but I’d still like to see you.”
6.    I saw my boyfriend take a girl to the back seat of his car and watched him “make love” to her. I have him to thank because I am happy where I am at today and wouldn’t be here if that didn’t happen.
7.    The ‘silent treatment technique’. No returned calls, no explanation. That’s like a no call, no show. Definite grounds for firing.
8.    Freshman year of college my girlfriend broke up with me via email right before a class. For 45 minutes I had to watch my Sociology of Religion professor do a Wicken knife ceremony while planning what I would say to her after class.
9.    An ex-girlfriend was hooking up with one of my best friends and was presumed to stripping at a club.
10.    The guy appeared to adore me, and then just stopped calling. I’m like what’s up? He’s like, “I’m not ready.” I’m like ok, “so you’re just not going to call?” Apparently, he didn’t want to lose me because he thought some day he would be ready. I love that he thought he’d just not call until then. So he wasn’t going to dump me. I had to do it for him… on Valentine’s Day.

So, the lesson for all of you who are looking from advice from Jack and me is that there is no good time to break up with someone, but there is a good way. Just be honest. You might get called names or have to deal with a crying, angry, crazy person for a short period of time, but I do believe they’ll appreciate your honesty in the long run.

Plus you won’t get articles written about how stupid you are posted on the Internet for all the world to see.

Please do tell, how would you have preferred NOT to be dumped? Commiserate. It’s cool. We’ve all been there.