I feel like societal pariah.
Yes, I paid my taxes. No, I’m not a dead-beat dad, nor am I a terrorist. I’m not a pedophile, geez I hardly even like kids, let alone touch them. I would never kill a person. In fact I almost cried when we hit a squirrel on I-70 on the way to the Indy 500. Actually, I think I’m quite the upstanding citizen if I may say so myself. I work, pay my bills and clean up Jack’s poo in public places. I even do nice things for people like, uh, call them back and listen to problems and give advice. Geez. I’d even recycle if I could around to it.
But recently, a giant stamp has been showing up on my forehead. You can’t see it without a black light. But shove me under and there it is… SINGLE. Someone stamped my head over night and didn’t tell me they were going to do it. It just showed up one day.
Today, I pop by my mom’s house for lunch. My whale of an uncle (not fat, just a very large man) is floating on a tiny pink raft in the pool. We get to chatting and after he tells me how much money he makes, offers me beef barley soup and a loan for ten dollars, he says… “are you married?”
“Yes, uncle Jeff. I got married and you didn’t know anything about it.”
“God, I can’t believe you’re not married! How old are you?”
“Dude, I’m 29, shut up.”
“Do you have a boyfriend.”
“No.”
“Why?! That’s so weird.”
My eyes roll, mentally, not physically (because I’m not twelve) and I go eat my beef barley soup which he promises is low in carbs.
Big Jeff Stud is not the only one asking me these types of questions as of late, or mentioning little things such as my biological clock, settling down or meeting the ‘one’. “Perhaps you should be less picky. You’re totally afraid of commitment and MUST be totally sexually frustrated. OR you’re gay! Maybe you should try eHarmony! It’s so much more classy than match.com.”
So here’s the deal, out of nowhere I’m 29 and my gal pals are dwindling… planning big weddings, shower hopping and getting ready to start their new lives. Suddenly, the calls to go shopping, have after work cocktails, do concerts or have pool dates have diminished at an alarming rate! Now everything is done in couples and you’re rarely invited anymore – but not to worry, every so often, a friend will have they want you to meet. Well, that is, if they can set up a triple date of couples so it’s not so “awkward”.
Right.
Thing is, I’m really excited for people when they meet someone special and get married! I can understand the place they are in life and think it’s great. And I’d like to think that is true for most people, well, except that one friend who can’t be happy for other people-that would just be too hard. Oh, you know you’ve got one, don’t lie. If you don’t- you are that friend.
Then why is it that just because their place in life has suddenly changed, they think that I am less happy being where I am? And why am I suddenly not part of the club? I’m almost positive this is not in my head- well, my mom says it is, but what does she know. She’s married.
Finally, single gals hit a great point during their late 20s/early 30s – just living life, doing well at work, with clarity around who they are and able to explore the world… and something is wrong with them? Something is amiss?
The only thing missing as of late for me is the connection between me to my favorite girlfriends. Those, dear judgers and societal shunners, are the strings that are no longer attached.
Ten fun myths of being – SINGLE… what others have you heard?
#1: If someone is single past a certain age, there must be something wrong with them like they have halitosis and hammer-time
#2: Single people are irresponsible and hate babies
#3: Single people don’t have family obligations and would prefer to be at Rock Lobster at Christmas
#4: Single people are unhappy being single and go home at night and pray for marriage to a shrine of celebrity couple photos
#5: Single people want you to set them up with your second cousin who has three kids with three different women
#6: At a certain age, a single person is too old to get married and should just live with their cats and call it a day
#7: Single people are uncomfortable hanging out with married people and probably will try to steal your husband or wife
#8: Single people eat take out all the time and rent movies and watch them in their underwear with bras on their heads
#9: Single people party all the time and drive drunk through your yard
#10: You’re not an adult until you are married because then you are definitely mature
