Project Bellyband

How many people out there had to wash three pairs of flip flops in the dishwasher last night? Not many, huh? You may be wondering why I bring this up. Or you don’t care at all. In which case, you should probably move on to more enlightening and informational articles by my fellow IndyHub Spokes. However, if you want to hear about the main man in my life, then read on sistah! (and brothers of course – though I doubt any men read this stuff)

HE is the most incredible guy. Never talks back. Never questions my motives or thinks I look fat. He is so friggin’ cute too. Big brown eyes, curly hair and a perma grin from ear to ear. He doesn’t care what we do as long as we’re together. If I want to sleep, he’ll sleep. If I want to watch TV, he’ll get the remote. If I’m hungry he could care less about what I want as long as I give him a bite.

His life literally revolves around me and let’s face it, that’s the quickest and most pain free way to this gal’s heart.

So what does this have to do with washing flip flops in the dishwasher on the pots and pans cycle?

Well… my man, he is fabulous – but not perfect. Today was the day I hit the ceiling and realized that I don’t know Jack… about Jack.

Jack Bear Thixton, the man of my dreams, is also my favorite lil’ doggy! My crazy, wild-eyed pup who after almost of year of living with me still cannot grasp the concept of peeing outside -  and not on my shoes.

And it’s not just my shoes… it’s been:

• MY YOGA MAT (IT WAS REALLY AWESOME FIGURING THAT ONE OUT 40 MINUTES INTO CLASS)
• MY HOUSE GUEST’S TENNIS SHOES (HE DOES HAVE A THING FOR SHOES, JUST LIKE HIS MOMMA!)
• THE EDGE OF MY COUCH TEN MILLION TIMES OVER (I TOOK A RAZOR TO IT AND CUT THE WHOLE BOTTOM HALF OF MY COUCH OFF. DON’T ASK.)
• MY FAVORITE NEW FLORAL SCARF (AND I FIGURED THAT OUT HALF WAY TO LA ON A PLANE – GROSS)
• ON MY MOM’S DOG BAILEY MULTIPLE TIMES (WHICH REALLY CRACKS ME UP)
• MY NEIGHBORS WEDDING GIFT FROM BED, BATH & BEYOND THAT I PICKED UP SO NO ONE WOULD STEAL IT OFF THE PORCH. (NOT SURE WHAT IS WORSE, A STOLEN GIFT OR A GOLDEN GIFT FROM JACK)
• AND HE PEED RIGHT ON MY LEG IN FRONT OF MY WHOLE FAMILY AND I WILL NEVER EVER HEAR THE END OF THAT ONE

This list goes on and on and on and on and on.

And I’m not a neat freak by all means, but THIS is just a new level of disgusting that I can no longer handle! Hence the commencement of PROJECT BELLYBAND.

I’ve tried a number of things to get him to stop… stay off sprays, pee here instead sprays, yelling and screaming and shoving his nose in it, the silent treatment and even a little reverse psychology but nothing sticks. Except his stains. Haha – I crack me up.

Anyhow, my dear friend Gwyn used a belly band (basically a doggy diaper) for her dog and her lil’ dude, Luke, is totally healed now! And it’s even kinda cute as it should be for a twenty dollar diaper. So, beginning today Jack will be wearing a belly band until he straightens out his life and starts making better choices. And if I hear one more person say that there are no bad dogs, just bad owners I will remind them of the deep commitment that I made to the man in my life, the man of my dreams -

Jack, I do. Until pee does us part.

No Strings Attached

I feel like societal pariah.

Yes, I paid my taxes. No, I’m not a dead-beat dad, nor am I a terrorist. I’m not a pedophile, geez I hardly even like kids, let alone touch them. I would never kill a person. In fact I almost cried when we hit a squirrel on I-70 on the way to the Indy 500. Actually, I think I’m quite the upstanding citizen if I may say so myself. I work, pay my bills and clean up Jack’s poo in public places. I even do nice things for people like, uh, call them back and listen to problems and give advice.  Geez. I’d even recycle if I could around to it.

But recently, a giant stamp has been showing up on my forehead. You can’t see it without a black light. But shove me under and there it is…  SINGLE. Someone stamped my head over night and didn’t tell me they were going to do it. It just showed up one day.

Today, I pop by my mom’s house for lunch. My whale of an uncle (not fat, just a very large man) is floating on a tiny pink raft in the pool. We get to chatting and after he tells me how much money he makes, offers me beef barley soup and a loan for ten dollars, he says… “are you married?”

“Yes, uncle Jeff. I got married and you didn’t know anything about it.”

“God, I can’t believe you’re not married! How old are you?”

“Dude, I’m 29, shut up.”

“Do you have a boyfriend.”

“No.”

“Why?! That’s so weird.”

My eyes roll, mentally, not physically (because I’m not twelve) and I go eat my beef barley soup which he promises is low in carbs.

Big Jeff Stud is not the only one asking me these types of questions as of late, or mentioning little things such as my biological clock, settling down or meeting the ‘one’. “Perhaps you should be less picky. You’re totally afraid of commitment and MUST be totally sexually frustrated. OR you’re gay! Maybe you should try eHarmony! It’s so much more classy than match.com.”

So here’s the deal, out of nowhere I’m 29 and my gal pals are dwindling… planning big weddings, shower hopping and getting ready to start their new lives. Suddenly, the calls to go shopping, have after work cocktails, do concerts or have pool dates have diminished at an alarming rate!  Now everything is done in couples and you’re rarely invited anymore – but not to worry, every so often, a friend will have  they want you to meet. Well, that is, if they can set up a triple date of couples so it’s not so “awkward”.

Right.

Thing is, I’m really excited for people when they meet someone special and get married! I can understand the place they are in life and think it’s great. And I’d like to think that is true for most people, well, except that one friend who can’t be happy for other people-that would just be too hard. Oh, you know you’ve got one, don’t lie. If you don’t- you are that friend.

Then why is it that just because their place in life has suddenly changed, they think that I am less happy being where I am? And why am I suddenly not part of the club? I’m almost positive this is not in my head- well, my mom says it is, but what does she know. She’s married.

Finally, single gals hit a great point during their late 20s/early 30s – just living life, doing well at work, with clarity around who they are and able to explore the world… and something is wrong with them? Something is amiss?

The only thing missing as of late for me is the connection between me to my favorite girlfriends. Those, dear judgers and societal shunners, are the strings that are no longer attached.

Ten fun myths of being – SINGLE… what others have you heard?

#1: If someone is single past a certain age, there must be something wrong with them like they have halitosis and hammer-time

#2: Single people are irresponsible and hate babies

#3: Single people don’t have family obligations and would prefer to be at Rock Lobster at Christmas

#4: Single people are unhappy being single and go home at night and pray for marriage to a shrine of celebrity couple photos

#5: Single people want you to set them up with your second cousin who has three kids with three different women

#6: At a certain age, a single person is too old to get married and should just live with their cats and call it a day

#7: Single people are uncomfortable hanging out with married people and probably will try to steal your husband or wife

#8: Single people eat take out all the time and rent movies and watch them in their underwear with bras on their heads

#9: Single people party all the time and drive drunk through your yard

#10: You’re not an adult until you are married because then you are definitely mature

Social Media Etiquette

VIOLA- my first column was posted on IndyHub.org! Here is a nice copy for you click challenged peeps:

Normally I would have a question and answer session in this column, but today, today, will be a rant and general tips session. Mostly because I don't have a question to answer, but also because this crazy lady shocked me today and I wondered why someone would think that the action was considered ok.

Social media, good stuff, right? I’m talking great stuff. I keep in touch with everyone on earth that I want to (and don't want to). I’ve met some pretty awesome men to date and women to bond with via networks like myspace, facebook, match.com and tweeting on the twitter. Until recently I even worked for a company who focuses on leveraging social media for businesses. All and all, we view these tools as a good thing. Connecting is good!

Well, sometimes.

So, this woman sends me a note on Facebook re: your dad.

"Hi Jill,
I am sure that you probably don't remember me, but I used to see your dad about 23 to 24 years ago. You were just little. It was when he lived in his aunts house on the east side of town. You have grown up! Anyway, just wanted to check to see how your dad is.

Take care,
Brenda"

Let's go back 23-24 yrs in Jill's world. I was six, my parents were married. Nice, right?

My reply, re: your dad:

"Hi Brenda,

Well ... I certainly hope you weren't seeing my dad 23-24 yrs ago because that would have meant you were seeing my dad while he was married to my mother.

My father is doing well, I'll let him know you touched base.

Best,
Jill"

her: "Well, actually they were going through their divorce at the time. It was in late 1986 and early 1987."

OH! well, that makes it ok! Why would someone think that is cool? I mean seriously.

This isn't a forum for me to discuss poor little Jill, child of divorce... maybe later :). I post this only to ponder the thought of social media etiquette. Just because it’s so easy to touch base, to be heard, to communicate - where does one draw the line between sharing and, uh... over-communicating?

So, with the help of some friends, we put together our own list of social media etiquette tips and pointers, dos and don'ts, if you will:

1. Don’t write your ex-boyfriend's daughter that you knew when she was six and you were dating her married father. (That's mine.)
2. Don't send a message intended for one person to the whole stream - most of us don't really need to hear the response.
3. Share great stuff! If it’s awesome- share it. If it’s a teddy bear hug gift for VIP friends and you haven't talked to the person you are sending it to since high school, rethink it, k?
4. Don’t say anything/post anything/link to anything you wouldn't want your mom to see or your boss. They will find it - and this is what happens when they do.
5. Don’t lurk. You know you are out there. Lurkers sit on the edge of networks and watch (or stalk). If you're going to be part of the community, participate! All your watching is giving us the eebie geebies.
6. Don’t start group, a blog, a cause, forum, etc. etc. if you don't plan to keep it up. You're wasting energy and clogging brains.
7. PLEASE don't post "awesome to see you last night, you were WASTED!" on someone's wall.
8. Just because you enjoy playing games on facebook doesn't mean your entire list of friends does. Think before you click.
9. If all you do is plug yourself or your company, be prepared to be de-friended.
10. Don't post incredibly personal and depressing status updates… these are ones I've read:

“My son just died in childbirth.”
“My grandpa is in a coma and has two weeks to live”
“I just found out that my boyfriend is cheating on me”

While we sympathize with these folks, the social networking sphere is not the medium to share this type of information, right?

Where does the line get drawn? I know you've got a rule for the list, add it in the comments!


Oh hi! Jill Thixton here, of IndyHub's fabulous question and answer forum, 'You don't know Jack.' Jack is my dog. You'll meet later. What makes me an accredited advice columnist? Not much. I'm not a doctor. I'm not even a writer. I have a degree in apparel merchandising and marketing. Yes, fashion merchandising Ala Elle Woods. I've ventured down several career paths and I'm only 29. My family and friends are a lil' nuts and have exposed me to way more interesting life situations than one would imagine possible in Indianapolis. So, it gives me loads to analyze. So why on earth would you want to hear what i have to say? I have no idea, but I'm going to hop on the soap box and roll with it.

to bitch. or not to bitch.

this day was fabulously funny and spirited at first. but then again, not really.

my best friend, we'll call her Penelope, dumped her live-in boyfriend via email- then sealed the deal via text messaging.

she came home, and he really left.

so, it started out as humorous. humorous in ways that can only be described or translated by the giddiness one gets when they do something that was heroic, brave. strong. a fanatical feeling of relief and amusement in what you've done.

what a wonderful feeling it is to know that one finally stood up for yourself! you finally got out of the relationship where your boyfriend, husband, friend was sucking you dry. whether it was financially, emotionally, physically or all of the above- isn't it a great feeling when you are finally pushed to the edge? you can't take it anymore. you are so angry that you are mad (and i don't mean angry, i mean crazy). so you do it. you break it off. and it feels amazing- you stuck it to them. you deserve better and you're going to get it. much like the feeling you got when you finally told your boss to fuck off. OR, well, you just quit and you never ever have to do that stuff again.*

why is it then, that five minutes later you immediate feel buyers remorse? why is it that as soon as you finally take the plunge, pull the plug, just do it- that you want to take it back? if the other party involved doesn't care, you immediately freak? this happens to almost everyone i know. often. and i only have one piece of advice:

if i know one thing, and i can promise you this- i do know at least one thing, it is that the feeling does fade. you eventually forget the heartache. the sharp pain of loss eventually dulls. but like a knife, it can easily still cut if pushed at the right angle.

lesson to be learned: don't play with knifes. no matter how dull the edge.

*please note that you will have to deal with another set of crap items at your next job and/or relationship.

a false sense of security

To lull someone into a false sense of security:

to make someone feel safe when they are not. Wearing suntan lotion can lull people into a false sense of security and make them spend longer in the sun than they should.

See also: false, lull, sense

It's happening. a lot. In Iraq... Online... At Work.

You knew it was coming- In Relationships.

An interesting individual brought this up to me... in regards to life's twists and turns and surprises. I had said to this person that the need to be constantly moving, taking risks, in the middle of it all etc. has dwindled as i get older. True, he said. But don't fool yourself into thinking that life will not be without unexpected twists. Humans, and I would venture to say, specifically Americans, are often blindsided by the unexpected. Why else would it be called unexpected? (sometimes, I surprise myself by writing the stupidest things).

Alright, this is a chick blog- back to the girl stuff. My out of the blue breakup knocked the wind out of me. This would be one of the first times I didn't see it coming. I mean, I was a wreck for at least 3 days. ha.

Now, I'll look back - you know, a whole month or so ago, and I have to wonder why I was so upset? Well number one- no one likes rejection. It's the worse. Number two, no one likes to be surprised. But ok- number three is the big one. And what I didn't think about until this nice gentlemen said it was, omg, a false sense of security. Just because I felt like everything was great and my own concerns were always put to rest by reassurance from this guy, had I not allowed myself to feel "secure" in the first place, I may not have been so upset.

Ok, well that just blows. So where does that leave a gal? I get to spend the rest of my life with whoever and know that nothing is ever secure? I mean good god, I don't think they have enough xanax in the world to help out everyone if that's the case. And as I sit here pondering that, I completely realize that it's something that no one has a choice in. I have no choice if I want some lovin' in my life. So I'll deal.

I suppose the fun of it is, it will always be a surprise. Good. Bad. or Unexpected.

the dress affect

i was thinking about this yesterday. yesterday morning while i was in the shower. i planned my outfit. i would wear my high-waisted citizens of humanity jeans and a super cute floral silk blouse from french connection with a tie around the waist and black leather pumps. SO CUTE.

i find that this happens. and i wonder if it happens to other women. you get into a relationship and soon you find that your tastes are "calmed." suddenly, you're not into the experimentation you were before. basics- you start to wear basics. you clothes are less loud, they draw less attention. boring-er.

perhaps there are two reasons for this. one, most men are thrown off by women with funky, fun, individual style... so you "simmer down" in order to suit their needs. (that sucks). OR you require less attention- attention that was once derived through compliments from friends, co-workers, etc. is not as important because you have guy. (also lame).

lame, but both valid thoughts. with the end of my relationship, has come the end (again) of my toned down style. suddenly, there is freedom to play again- suddenly i'm excited to experiment. and i have been and it feels great.

one night, i had to go out with the boy and his friends... all very "successful" in terms of education and career. i thought i had nothing to wear to this fancy dinner at an expensive restaurant. i bought a black shirt from banana republic. i wore it. i felt plain. yet adult-like.

i've never worn it since.

i imagine, as this post comes to and end... you're thinking, what is wrong with this girl? i say this all out loud (or write, i suppose), because it sort of stinks. it sort of stinks that an outgoing, rock solid chick like myself would let others influence her dress- but i know i'm not alone.

you know why? because i KNOW i'm not the only person who feels like a straight up fool when i have to dress up for work. i still feel 12! i put a suit on and it looks like an 8 yr old wearing her mom's clothes.

i think as the times change and employers are forced to change their ways in order to keep the attention and employment of mine and younger generations, that dress will more or less be defined by who you are. not what you do. now- let me work on the transfer this to all areas of my life.

that's it. thanks.

hope

now i think we'll move onto my thoughts on the love.

i don't have any right now. however, i do have thoughts on guys. recently, i joined the match.com. why, you ask? well, prior to my "recently" i was in a pretty good relationship...great, in fact, seemed to be going well. we got on great, there were sparks, then notta. i don't know where it went- but it left. and out of the blue, i was single, again.

so... i get the match.com. and i have to admit. it's kind of fun. i mean, who doesn't want to get hit on all day? regardless of the fact that most of the men who hit on me are closer to my step-dads age than mine, well, it's still nice to know that someone out there is interested. especially when you were just thinking that you must be a troll that should live not under a bridge, but rather in the crack of a shoe that just walked through dog poo on the monon. don't ask.

with this said. GUYS are so nice. i mean, i can't get over how nice these guys are. they don't even know me. they really took 5-8 minutes of their life, read my profile and took time to write ME about me. and they talk about things i said. seriously- you date someone for however long and many a time a fight will stem from the fact that they... don't listen to you or don't understand you or don't ask questions. then, all of the sudden, there's a ton out there, just asking for more. i am not lying. i'm beside myself and i want to write to them all, well not all of them, and just say thank you.

doing exactly what they are doing is enough to give any woman, no matter how down on themselves they are about the "love," the "hope" that there are still a many fish swimming about the sea... ready to ask about you and interested in knowing more.

who says you find someone when you aren't looking? moms. that's who. go on girls, get your match on.