Indecent Exposure

It’s as though I attract crazy people. It’s amazing to me how many times in a week, I think to myself… “did that really just happen?”

So my best friend Piper calls me at the most inconvenient times. Pretty much every day of my life- god love her. She is in California, so for her, it’s good timing… for me, not so much. It’s either 11am, when I’m knee deep in work or 10pm, when I’ve decided that I will not be conversing with anyone but Jack until the following morning.

Yet- she’s my best girl. So on most days unless I’m in the middle of something earth shattering (I hate that saying btw), I will answer… because who knows, something could be really important this time. Maybe she isn’t just killing time on her drive to work in LA traffic. Maybe it really is OVER (again) with her near-do-well boyfriend and she needs me to tell her that he is, in fact, an idiot and of course he deserves the silent treatment for at least three days for mentioning the word ‘boobs’ – and he was not referring to hers.

I always answer it when I can because I know that she will be there to answer it when I need her to. Duh.

So at exactly 11:00am today, like clockwork this morning Piper rings me… I consider not getting it for a minute when I realize I’m not doing anything that I can’t do while chatting so I pick up. It is absolutely amazing how quickly our conversation turned to how much our dogs weigh now and whether or not we think I could sneak Jack on the plane for our upcoming rendezvous in Santa Barbara.

So I step out. My colleagues don’t want to hear that Jacked gained 2 lbs and definitely will no longer fit under my seat.

I go to the bathroom for privacy because last time I tried for privacy in our stairwell I ended up locking myself in and having to call a co-worker to let me out- real cool. Well, definitely cooler than trucking down 15 flights of stairs. Nonetheless I learned my lesson.

At first when I get to the bathroom, I’m alone. I’m not even using the bathroom- just in a stall. A couple of completely loud, babbling women come in and I think to myself how incredibly annoying they are. I can’t even hear Piper over their cackles! Then I remember where I am – and all is fair – there are no rules – we do what we want – in the women’s restroom.

Apparently not.

Immediately, I hear someone say…

“Can you PLEASE get off your cell phone.”

Are they talking to me? I’d barely said a word and I wondered how anyone would even hear me over them. Anyhow, I just tell Piper to hold on. I check myself out in the mirror (of course), a gal my age comes out and I smile at her and leave.

Minutes later I hear a knock at our office door. I look up to see a woman through the glass and think nothing of it and go back to my business… a co-worker lets her in and I turn around to see her waving at me saying “don’t worry you’re not in trouble.”

Wha?

She’s a little older, short brunette hair, grasping a Styrofoam cup of coffee and approaching me in a most peculiar way. She reminds me of a gossipy mom from high school. Like she’s about to share something ‘really juicy’ and once it pours out of her mouth, you think wow- this woman is bored.

I still don’t know who she is.

“I just wanted to apologize to you if you heard me in the bathroom tell you to get off your cell.”

Seriously?

“My friend said I was really ballsy to say that…”

Seriously?

“You see, I’m fifty years old and I just don’t like people on the phone because what if I had to, you know… let one go or ‘make noises’… and the person on the line hears that…”

No way.

She goes on to actually make faux noises of ‘air’ and continues to try to convince me of her ‘stance’ on why she said it.

Insert wide-eyed, shocked looking Jill here.

“I have three kids… yada yada… and I would always get off the phone if I came into a bathroom and there were other people there. I’m totally addicted to my phone too…. Yada yada”

Is she insinuating that I am addicted to my phone? Whatever.

“I don’t even know if you heard me, but you know… I just think that you shouldn’t do that in case other people are making bathroom noises….”

Please remember- I work in a wide-open space with 10 different people within 50 ft of me. I keep telling her with my eyes and hands to keep it down.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but her interruption of our office flow to pop by and explain her reasoning for asking me to get off the phone, you know – the loud the ‘sounds’ that could be made in the bathroom – to me and my office of 10 people should have embarrassed her twenty times more than those sounds actually happening behind closed doors in the bathroom.

However, it did not seem they did.

I sat in shock, and in typical Jill fashion- never gave her the satisfaction of saying anything that would make her feel better about her visit – by saying nothing at all. I assume she had a burst of ‘balls’ to say what she was thinking to someone she could not see. Obviously she thought that other people would empathize with her situation. First, her co-worker, who did not, and next, the stranger in the stall. And perhaps she wanted my co-workers to hear and understand?

Something tells me she never got her validation.

With that, I just stared at her like , OK- anything else? She says – ‘well, you probably didn’t even hear me.”

“Yes. I heard you. I just didn’t feel like it was your business to say anything.”

With this, she said “actually, it is my business….” after which all I hear is Charlie Brown’s teacher… I turn my back to her and she left. Pride in hand, I’m sure. Wait, that’s just coffee.

So, Ok- maybe I shouldn’t have been on the phone. I’ll admit just that. It’s kinda weird to chat in a stall, but it never bothers me when other people do it! I just don’t have time or energy to waste telling other people what to do. Well, I’ll give my opinion, but that is not telling people what to do, is it?

I only have one “no no” on my list this time. And one reaction.

1)    Please don’t talk on the phone on the bathroom stall.

Well – maybe YOU shouldn’t talk to your friend because I could have gotten stage fright and been blocked up for days! (not that that has ever happened)